Fishermen’s dogs can be trained to dig for worms Burt Scott, Indiana USA

In July in Wisconsin USA, a frog army marches through the town of Windham
To escape the dry ponds in Summer – they migrate to the local River – procession is 10 yards wide by 2 miles in length – Reverend Samuel Peters, USA

The black snake is partial to a drop of the hard stuff
This breed of reptile is friendly to man – in exchange for whisky – will collect frogs for anglers – Virginia 1931

The mining industry used wood peckers back in the 1880s
Their beaks are sharp and powerful – drill holes in the rock – to fit the explosives – Homer Hylton, Ohio

You can catch a trout by tickling it’s belly
Anglers would lure the fish to the bank – loves its belly tickled – then snatch it for tea
(Hence the expression from Richard Head’s The Art of Wheedling – `tickling the trout`)

A stuffed ape has become a tourist attraction for a pub in Oldham
Pub called The Ship – lived in the pub in the 1920s – the landlords pet

An Essex farm opens its gates for kids to try pig riding
Promoted by the Essex Tourist Board – £5 for a half hour ride – free tea & scones

Canadian geese, when hit by a blizzard, fly backwards
Keeps the snow out of their eyes – Snowstorms up to 80 miles per hour – only bird has this ability – D.L. Pettibone, Maryland

First time in history, a man trains his dog to run away from foxes
Dog ran towards home with fox in pursuit – man stood with shotgun – made a silver fox coat for his wife – Lester Green, USA

Farmer finds lost hog inside a the stomach of a giant alligator
Farmer lost a hog – killed and skinned a giant crock – found his hog whole and alive inside – North Carolina Southern Folklore Quarterly 1944

A swarm of bees can be so strong, when they fly, they can lift the hive
Kinney Tennyson, Missouri 1951

Before guns, American farmers would hunt deer by running after them
They can run as fast as deer – get us close behind – to hook him, they’d place fingers in bottom – Dutch Mills, Arkansas

You can kill a grizzly bear with the `Death Hug`
Position yourself behind the bear – wrap both arms around it’s midriff – locate it’s solar plexus & hug for 2 minutes

The South has the best illicit whisky in the States
Made from pure Southern corn – a badge of quality

Bear hunters have an ingenious way of returning the animal home
They shoot to injure – enraged, it runs after you – get home then kill it – Arkansas

Farmers tie pigs tails in a knot for security
Pigs get thin during a famine – they can slip through the gaps in a fence – hence the knot

Grounded mosquitoes make a great natural fertilizer
Capture the mosquitoes in nets – ground them to dust – rich in nitrogen

American Indians use snakes as whips when horse riding
Black snakes preferred because of toughness of skins – used either alive or dead – pick them up when out riding

Climate damaged by Flatulent sheep
eating too much grass – cause global warming – first prize World’s Biggest Liar Competition – Sue Perkins

I was raised by wolves
adopted by a pack of wolves as a baby and raised by them – Eddie Izzard

My highly intelligent dog
After he was mortally wounded by a hit and run, Bun scratched in the mud… the car’s number plate – Eamonn Kelly

Mosquitoes live in the Arctic
Bigger and more dangerous than their Tropic counterparts

It’s against the law for a chicken to cross the road in Georgia

Skyvader is a half hare half grouse creature from Sweden

Wolperstinger, from Bavaria has wings and antlers and can be seen stuffed in museums in Munich

Whistling cat with harelip

Suicide Bears live in Smoky Mountain National Park in America
If they can smell food from a cabin – they would charge down the hillside – crash through the cabin wall

Canine suicide bombers were deployed in WW2
Russians trained dogs to sniff out German tanks – bombs were strapped to them – run underneath them and detonate the charge

Kids go to school by buggies towed by chickens
Full grown chicken is 18 months old – grows up to 3 feet in height – with training, it can walk straight. Larger than Life postcards, Winsconsin 1907

Before prosthetics, cats wore wooden legs
Edwin Griffith, Connecticut

In America, poodles are trained to be patriotic
When they hear the National Anthem – stand still for duration – some wave flags in their mouths – William O. Baldwin, New Jersey

Squirrels can sail – new wild life discovery
They can cross rivers and lakes – use tree bark for boats – and their tails for sails – Ohio 1898

You can kill a hop snake by placing its tail in front of its mouth
Snake doesn’t know it’s own tail – begins to swallow it – chokes itself to death – B.C Clough

The British trained seagulls to fight in WW2
Trained to spot periscopes from German U boats – to make them obsolete – poo on them!

To quicken the hatching of eggs, place chicken in oven
Gas mark 4 – 10 minutes cooking time – Utah Farmers – temperature is about 45 degrees centigrade

A bell attached to buzzards wing acts as an early warning system for farmers
Farmers attached bells to the wings – alerts farmers – Eagle Rock, Missouri 1938

Bald chickens are a product of a severe storm
Twisters can blow the feathers off – nude chickens are a common sight

Man trains dog to run away from foxes
Dog ran towards home with fox in pursuit – man stood with shotgun – made a silver fox coat for his wife – Lester Green

US farmers employ bee hunters to find honey
Early 1800s – search for bee hives – live in trees in the wild – USA

During severe winters, cows where in danger of dying of thirst
15` snow drifts covered the troughs – farmers couldn’t dig down – taught the cattle to suck through long straws – Lamar, Missouri

As dogs were barred from trains, they used to run along the track instead
American railways, 1800s – top speed about 25 mph – some dogs can run 50 miles

In Mexico – there lives the Cactus Cat
Roams amongst the Cactus – it’s strands of hair ore very sharp – to ward off predators

Rattle snakes are used as security guards in private homes
Feed them on mice and milk – stay awake all night – wrap themselves around a burglars neck and raise the alarm – West Virginia, 1931

The yellowhammer is the only parrot that swears
Swears at old ladies and vicars – all the usual words

My dog is an Olympic Dog Boxing Champion
Ledbetter Olympics – Jerry Clower

Guide dog kills 4 owners
Walked into traffic & left him there – end of pier – accidently pushed him in front of a train – killed by bus – dog with lovely nature – internet tall tale 1997

WORK

19th. Century sign writers lassoed their brushes up from the street
Assistants are useless – too busy eyeing up the ladies – and send up the wrong brush – B.A. Botkin

Guilty woman knits sweater for bald pheasant
She fired a shot gun – shock makes the feathers fall out – feeling guilty, she knitted a sweater

Book handlers were employed by the wealthy to make books appear read!
Place dog ears and train tickets – write inserts like “To my old friend…” – Flann O’Brien

Two tramps helped a man commit suicide they could have his suit, shoes and watch.
Ken Campbell Road Show late 1960s

Bee Boys would herd a bees from the hives to the meadows to polinate.
Like cowboys – herd them back after 8 hours grazing – carry a gun and shoot bears

Jack Crossbones, an undertaker guarantees the fastest funeral in the USA.
Owned a fast horse – pulled the hearse at 35 miles an hour – their motto was `We’ll get you to the church on time!` – B.C Clough

Scottish Christians living in Texas formed the World’s only Gospel Bagpipe Band
Fusion of music styles – recorded Christmas carols – brought out a CD – James S Griffith

20th Century American mutineers were punished with the pointless task of removing rust with rubber hammers.
B.C. Clough

An Essex man was Adolph Hitler’s double
His name was Albert Brown – lived in Frinton on Sea – Dicky Howarth (1945)

French dignitaries mistook Rhode Island’s cider for champagne
The cider is brewed from mellow Greening Apples – Official visit from the French – none the wiser – Johnny Cake Letters

A sign writer painted a loaf of bread so real, birds mistook it for the real thing
A large loaf on a bill board – birds broke their beaks pecking at it – stood atop trying to figure it out

Man sacked from quarry for being a sissy
It’s work for tough men – muscled like mules – too softsacked – Hardscrabble County Rock Quarry

Steep hill farmers develop a limp
Develop 1 leg shorter than the other from years of working on steep slopes

Artistic Agency hires out ventriloquist
so you can visit art galleries and be overheard making intelligent remarks – Flann O’Brien

INVENTIONS

6 people volunteered for a human hibernation experiment
From December to March – huge banquet to fatten up – sleeping pills and tranquillizers – The American Imagination at Work by Ben C. Clough

Doctor Mercer used sunshine, air, water and earth, natural remedies to treat the sick.
Early form of rehab – cure sores by rolling in the mud – cures paralysed heads (wound up)

The Hounds Stool allow pets to join their owners at the dinner table.
Like a baby stool – invented in Sweden – only £19.95 Ikea advertising

Man tattoos spider on his bald head to keep the flies away
Outdoor farmer during hot Summer – Fed up swatting flies from his head – tattoo’s done the job – T. Stone (The Winstead Liar)

Chicago Office workers get around on roller skates
Save time from moving from one desk another – 2 weeks training given – increase productivity – Burt Massee, Chicago

Whiskey security device was invented to protect your scotch being nicked!
You drop an electrical valve to the base of the bottle – when ball hits valve – sounds the alarm

Man patents food to aid the growth of beards
Why be Gillette smooth – grows in one day – become a hippy or a folk singer – Flann O’Brien

Poison gas fountain pen protects you from bullies and terrorists
Woody Allen

Fast and Slow pedestrianised lanes where considered by Dublin City Council
segregates fat from thin – enables faster movers to get around quicker – safer for the `leisurely` types

US Army considers introducing the Fart Squad
the Flatulent Airborne Reaction Team – American football fans farting in caves to `smoke out` terrorists by eating a diet of beans and gabbage – drank 8 pints of beer – excessive methane can be poisonous – George Carlin

WEATHER

Electric lights can freeze in a bad Canadian Winter
Minus 30 degrees centigrade – lights give off poor light – remove to thaw out – C.I. Tompkins, New Brunswick

Cyclones can suck rabbits out of their warrens
Winds reach top speed 120 mph – can reach as far as 10` underground – killing thousands of rabbits – Cookson Hill, Oklahoma

Attendances at the National Gallery in London over the Summer have doubled
Very rainy season – dripping herds roamed the galleries – Flann O’Brien, Cruiskeen Lawn, The Irish Times

When the local ponds became dry, young bullfrogs never learnt how to swim
Extreme drought one Summer – baby frogs couldn’t learn – when rain fell, they drowned

Human beings have survived cyclones and twisters
Folks have been lifted up into the air – carried several blocks – let down gently – Arkansas 1909

During draughts, farmers had mobile gardens
Plant crops on soil on wagon – if it’s sunny, find shade – rains, follow the cloud – Oklahoma 1928

You can buy California air in bottles
Clean fine air of the country – cavorted by the city dwellers – $2 each therapeutic properties – E.S Johnson, Tampa Bay

MISCELLANEOUS

There’s a group in Romford who teach downwardly mobile types how to speak common
Sound working class – increase your chance of getting that mechanics job – 6 week course

Fred and Wilma Flintstones from the Flintstones bed scene was banned from US TV
Corruption of the morals of the youth – cited the censors – may encourage boys and girls

Country folk had a name for Hell called Fiddlers Green
An early 1800s form of purgatory – where crooks and cheats go when they die – entertained by dead chorus girls – Ozarks 1955

A wildman was found living in Epping Forest for 5 years
His name was Reginald Hood – fugitive for a crime he never committed – lived on berries – Dicky Howarth

Record shop offered an air guitar with every “World’s Greatest Air Guitar Album Ever “ CD

The month with the highest number of conceptions is December
Office parties – Christmas and New Year celebrations – people stay in

In the State of Nevada, the colour of the snow is blue
Reflection of the sky creates the illusion – now a tourist attraction – Mark Twain

A seasick man lost his dentures overboard, and found them 18 months inside an 18 lb cod
Angler gutted fish and found the teeth – advertised them in the press – man tried the teeth and they fitted! – Holland 1994

Shadow Minister for UFO’s and Outer Space Sir Patrick Moore
Flying Saucer from Mars by Cedric Allingham (published 1954 a spoof contact book)

Swimming pool sex is very common
chlorine is a fool proof contraceptive – naughty sex- banned in UK in 1949

To try out marriage, first you can apply for a `learners permit`
lasts for 1 month – you can try up to 6 people to see who you like best – after, you can apply for a marriage certificate – Brandon Dene, Virginia

Teenage William Shakespeare was caught shop lifting
Caught stealing 2 croats – threatened with prison – why he moved to London – Chris Koenig

It used to be illegal to bury a man in his boots
Americans believe Heaven has a `no shoe` policy – only Hell lets soiled boots in.

Camouflage experts loses the object they painted
Once, they painted a fence outdoors – their colleagues couldn’t find it –

Catholics bury statue in front garage to help sell house
Old superstitious belief and talisman – statue of St. Joseph – buried in front lawn facing house

An undertaker gaurantees the fastest funeral in the States
Jack Crossbones owned a fast horse – pulled the hearse at 35 miles an hour – their motto was `We’ll get you to the church on time!` – B.C Clough

Men ride sheep in Winsconsin USA
Very strong docile sheep – easy to give orders – natural woollen saddle – Alfred Stanley Johnson Jr. Larger Than Life: Tall Tale Postcards.

Man patents alcoholic ice cream
Cheap beer flavour – wine flavoured for the professional – expensive up market champagne

In California, it’s illegal for pets to fornicate in public
Owners have to fines up to $2,000 – caught twice, the animal is executed

My uncle was the first man to bebarred from the Eden project
Relieving himself on an orchid – lifetime ban – achieved infamy in the local rag – Nigel Blackwell, HMHB

In Tennessee, toddlers are raised on whisky to make them tough
Apart from their mothers milk – given a tot of the hard stuff – fear of raising soft kids – Mike Fink

Cowboys wear black 10 gallon hats at funerals
Black naturally – all other colours are strictly forbidden – mark of respect to the dead

Folks get stuck in Mud Street
Eureka Springs Arkansas during the rainy season – they have their own rescue service – horse and man once got stuck – Eureka Springs, Arkansas 1951

Paramount Pictures built a jail on set for the Marx Brothers
Marx Brothers tall tale – told to Variety journalist Lillian Roth who wrote the `exclusive`

Stop the Pigeon Party
Call to arms by Charles Exford to kill all pigeons – Liverpool Echo letters page – HMHB Nigel Blackwell

Essex man is Hitler’s double
In the 1940s in Frinton on Sea – Albert Brown was a Hitler look a like – During World War 2 – Dickie Howarth

The Fat Beatles Tribute Band
US Tall tale written to venues promoting fictitious band – Barry Marder

Smelly feet? Join the Odor Eaters Anonymous
Do your feet smell so bad you have to eat outside the restaurant? Join our club of fellow sufferers – Barry Marder

Dog looks like Ringo Starr
Called Starkey – first look alike canine celebrity – agency has a cat that looks like Britney Spears – Barry Marder

Like being tickled? Join the Tickling Club
Only feathers, paper and light bamboo used – World Record for the longest tickle is 2 hours 34 minutes – Letters from a Nut by Ted L. Nancy ( Barry Marder )

Mrs. Nation and her Hatched Brigade are OAP vigilantes
attack dope dens – armed with axes – who would harm a granny?

Pet cougar will eat anything
ate old chickens – old goats – old wife – Lydia wasn’t much for looks and she was about to leave me. Now stuffed.

FOOD

Mississippi Mud is highly nutritious
stir some in a glass of water – trees in cemeteries grow 800 feet on account of the stiffs

Want to get horny? Eat Celery
phallic shaped – Lothario Peter Stringfellow swears by it – T.H. Van de Velde, Dutch gynaecologist

HISTORY

Most folks know about the Irish Famine, but few about the Irish Feast
Fat sheep hanging in every house – rabbits a plenty – surplus of spuds

SHOW BUSINESS

Music Hall act Rosie `I’m blooming` Nice performed impressions of plants on stage
Wordsworth’s Daffodils – variety of weeds – comedy act

MEDICINE

Florida is the Lourdes of America
Curative powers of the Florida sunshine – relieves arthritic pain – helps with mental illness

Motivational Deficiency Disorder – Doctors have found why some people are bone idle
chemical imbalance in the brain – Ray Moynihan

GEOGRAPHY

There’s a town in Galway, translated from Gaelic, means `Half Town`
Only serve Guinness in half pints – buses run on the half hour – Town clock only chimes on the half hour – Flann O’Brien

Best farming land in America, is called Paradise Valley
Cool Summers, mild Winters – no extreme weather events – grow all the year round – Texas Advertisement Bob Taylor’s Magazine November 1906

The first pirate radio station In UK was broadcast from Essex in 1955
Called Chelmsford FM – Started by DJ Jazzy Jeff – `Laughing Policeman` was the first tune – Tall Tales of Essex by Dicky Howett

CHARITY

Student financed his college fees by asking everyone he met for a penny.
Charity begins at home and every penny helps – In only 6 months, he raised $28,000.

Once when I was down and out, a celebrity Samaritan offered me a sandwich.
His name was Prince Charles. Peanut butter and mayo sandwich. Spent 5 minutes chatting – Glen Boylan, World’s Biggest Liar Competition

A Blackpool woman won a million on the Pools and gave it all away
In the 1950s – Stuffed the money into strangers letterboxes – why? To spread some happiness

SPORT

Man eats 10 pancakes in 1 minute.
Pancake Pete from Texas – World Champion pancake eater – Annual Cup in Austin

Spitter sets new World record
National Tobacco Spitting Contest – held in America – 103 feet aided by a down wind

Once a year, Nebraska holds the Annual Old Burn’s Bull Ride
Ride a wild bull – through the main street – who ever stays on the longest, wins first prize – 1850s

In Montana in the 19th. Century, cow racing was a popular sport
Friesian cows are top class sprinters – The Cow Derby attracted thousands – popular betting sport

World Snail Racing Cheating Scandal
remove shell to make aerodynamic – opposition placed small batteries in theirs to make them move faster – World’s Biggest Liar Competition – Glen Boylon